Dec 10, 2019
Dr. Alexandra Katehakis is a pioneer
in the area of sex addiction, and healthy sexual
behavior. In this
episode, we talk about what sex addiction is, where it stems from,
how to treat it, and how to know if you need help. It’s a provocative
conversation on one of the most stigmatized addictions we
face.
Dr. Katehakis is a Marriage Family
Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist/Supervisor
and Certified Sex
Therapist/Supervisor, and Clinical Director of the Center for
Healthy Sex in Los Angeles. Dr. Katehakis has extensive experience
in working with a full spectrum of sexuality; from sexual addiction
to sex therapy, as well as and problems of sexual desire and sexual
dysfunction for individuals and couples. She has successfully
facilitated the recovery of many sexually addicted individuals and
assisted couples in revitalizing their sex lives.
She has written numerous books on
the topics of sex addiction, erotic intelligence, the neurobiology
of sex addiction, intimacy, and other topics related to this
space.
You can connect with Dr. Katehakis
and learn more about her work here: Twitter, Center for
Healthy Sex,
Her Books on Amazon,
Her Books on Her Website
SOME OF THE THINGS WE TALKED
ABOUT:
- We spent some time in our
conversation talking about what exactly addiction is more
broadly.
Dr. Katehakis explains that addiction generally is a strong
predilection for something. It doesn’t really matter what
that thing is.
- We discuss the “history”
of sex addiction including when people started talking
about sex as an addiction, the early research as well as current
research and how society views the topic of sex addiction.
- Dr. Katehakis talks about some of
her work with Dr.
Patrick Carnes on the topic of sex addiction as well as
some of the discoveries he has pioneered since he began studying
the topic in the 1980s.
- Dr. Katehakis explains that
shame is the driving force behind a lot of our unhealthy
sexual practices including sex addiction. She says that, “Shame is
built into the autonomic nervous system. It’s in the
gut. It’s in the
enteric nervous system.” And that “Human beings are
biologically coded for shame.” Shame is a pro-social
function that drives a lot of how we develop as humans.
- We discussed what a sex
addict is, when they become one and how to know if someone needs
help.
Some of the criteria she mentioned for judging whether you may need
to seek help include:
- Spending more time than you
intended on a sexual behavior
- Privileging sexual behavior over
other obligations
- Continuing behavior despite
negative consequences
- Preoccupation
with sex
There are assessments people can
take, one of which is located on her website here:
https://centerforhealthysex.com/sex-therapy-resources/sex-addiction-test/
There is a section on her website
dedicated to figure out if someone is a sex addict or not and you
can find that content here: http://centerforhealthysex.com/sex-addiction/
- We talked about the history of sex
addiction treatment and the work of Dr. Patrick
Carnes.
His model is one of abstinence, not forever, but for a period of
time so you can get a read on what’s happening with your mood when
you take that break from whatever you are addicted to. This helps you figure out
what is driving “this thing” that may be addiction (could be a mood
disorder, or something else). Sometimes someone has a mood
disorder, then they get on medication, and their extreme sexual
behavior becomes less common.
- We talked about what recovery from sex
addiction looks like. Dr. Katehakis explained that
not all sex addicts are alike. She explains how in her
workbook called, “Sexual Reflections,” people can create a
sexual health plan as part of a recovery
process. She
explained that anything can go on that plan as long as you don’t
feel shame about it, and it is not
secretive.
- We talked about how men are in an
identity crisis of sorts today. Men are socialized from an
early age to be in competition with each other, to measure
everything and this translates into unhealthy behaviors early in
life as well as later in life. We also discussed how
in the recovery community, you see the opposite, where people are
helpful to one another and it radically changes how we get along
both as individuals and collectively with society.
- How do you recover from sex
addiction? We talked about 12-step
recovery programs, websites, resources, etc. Some of those resources are
listed here for both porn and sex addiction:
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/
https://saa-recovery.org/
https://centerforhealthysex.com/
Dr. Katehakis explains that, “People change their attachment styles
when they attend 12-step meetings over time. She goes on to explain that
attachment issues have to do with “regulation” of the nervous
system. In a
12-step program you start to realize you can get your needs met
from other people (as opposed to only getting them met from
yourself, through destructive behavior). During this process, another
human is helping to regulate your nervous system. Sex addicts have been doing
this through unhealthy sexual behavior. Eventually, you start to
learn to trust other people, and then your nervous system starts to
seek other people when it needs help rather than engage in
unhealthy sexual behavior.
Connect with the Stigma
Podcast in the following ways: Website,
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Connect with host Stephen
Hays here: Stephen Hays Personal
Website, Twitter,
LinkedIn, What If Ventures (Mental
Health Venture Fund)