Jun 9, 2020
Jay Stringer joins us to talk about unwanted sexual behavior
(pornography, buying sex, affairs, etc.). Jay is a licensed
mental health counselor, ordained minister, author, and speaker on
the subject – his research revolutionized my view of this topic.
His research shows a strong tie between past experiences, and
sexual behavior and what we can learn from that connection.
He’s spent the last decade helping men and women gain find
freedom from unwanted sexual behavior by helping them identify the
unique reasons that bring them to this behavior in the first
place. Jay talks to us about his book, “Unwanted: How Sexual
Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing” and the research he
conducted on over 3,800 people living with unwanted sexual
We explore how the standard response by many people to the topic
of sexual brokenness looks a lot like what we call “lust
management.” This approach seems to work temporarily with
some people, but ultimately it fails to bring people to lasting
freedom. Jay explains that by listening to our lust, we can
reveal the unaddressed and unresolved stories of our life in order
to find true healing.
You can connect with Jay here: Jay’s Website, Jay on LinkedIn,
Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing
(link here is to Amazon, but the book is also available on
HERE ARE SOME OF THE THINGS WE TALKED
- What is sexual brokenness? In this
conversation we define the topic, what the behaviors look like, how
to know if you need help, and where to get help. We talk
about how our understanding of sexual brokenness has evolved over
time and what the latest research tells us about this behavior.
- Where does sexual brokenness come from? Can we
predict it based on childhood and life experiences? Jay’s
research says, YES, and explains why.
- “Unwanted sexual behavior” vs. “sex addiction”
– Jay and I explore the language of unwanted sexual behavior, how
we talk about this behavior, how society has labeled it and why
these words matter based on his decade of research on the
- What does the science say? We talked about the
neuroscience of sexual addiction / unwanted sexual behavior and why
these behaviors exist, when they are learned / formed, and what we
can do about them.
- The main thesis of Jays’ book is that our involvement
with unwanted sexual behaviors / sexually compulsive ideas is not
random. These behaviors are often driven by some key
childhood drivers (family system, sexual abuse, etc.) and
"unconscious" arousal which should be explored, and understood, not
ignored and punished in order to seek freedom.
- We talked about his research on this topic and what Jay found
including that how our porn or sex fantasies could be predicted,
based on the parts of our story we have not engaged with. Knowing
this, makes our treatment efforts far more effective than ever
before. Jay explains in his book, and this podcast.
- We talked about the role the church, and faith
communities in addressing sexual brokenness and how stigma
plays a part in people getting help, especially at church.
Connect with the Stigma Podcast in the following
Connect with host Stephen Hays here: Stephen Hays Personal Website,
What If Ventures (Mental Health